Internetsatire - Satire Blog

in Australia ftw! I’m not commentating a lot because it’s 2 AM but this news is important enough to me that I feel the need to share…and bring you laughs…one YouTube video at a time.

It’s Monday – time to celebrate!

No, the Old Silly hasn’t gone off his rocker. I know everyone celebrates “Thank God it’s Friday” at the end of each work week, but you know what? I’m glad to be alive on this Monday. I’m thankful for having had a great weekend, a wonderful church service yesterday that filled me up spiritually, and am blessed and grateful to be alive and kickin’ to start off another week above ground.

It’s all about attitude, hmm? So if you’re down in the dumps this morning because you have to drive to work, at a job maybe you don’t find much satisfaction in, well–how about this? Being thankful you have a job. Here in Michigan the unemployment rate is 14.3%, and in SE Michigan, particularly the Motor City, it’s far higher than that. Hate your jerkoff boss and/or certain co-workers? Try a little nice … it’s amazing what proactive kindness and consideration in the face of jerk-off-iness can do. Works miracles. And don’t forget there is an abundance of people who would gladly take your place and be gainfully employed in this economy.

Hate having to pay so many bills, leaving you very little discretionary income? Be thankful, have gratitude, that you can pay them. Got aches and pains? Focus on being thankful for being able to see, walk, move your limbs, and feed, dress, and shower yourself–lots of people can’t.

We attract what we focus on. Focus on all the negativity in your life and unto you shall be bestowed more of it. Focus on and give thanks for what your blessings are, and unto you shall be delivered more blessings.

So, yeah, I’m Thanking God It’s Monday. And I’m planning on making the absolute best of it, this, another amazing creation, one more chance to live, breathe, feel, create, help others, work on my crafts and skills, and grow in love, compassion and wisdom.

How about you – is it TGIM for you, too?

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South Park is set to return on March 17th, 2010 with Season 14 premier episode.

Season 14 Press Release

“SOUTH PARK” IS BACK WITH ALL NEW EPISODES!
THE ICONIC SERIES LAUNCHES ITS 14TH SEASON ON
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17 AT 10:00 P.M. ON COMEDY CENTRAL

“South Park” Marks Its 200th Episode On Wednesday, April 14

“South Park: The Complete Thirteenth Season Uncensored” DVD And Blu-Ray
Arrives In Stores On Tuesday, March 16 And For The First Time Ever Will Include Deleted Scenes

All-New Season 14 Episodes Available In HD Exclusively On xBox LIVE, iTunes, Sony Playstation Network, Amazon Video On Demand And New Episodes Also Available On SouthParkStudios.com

NEW YORK, March 3, 2010 — Last season the boys were haunted by dead celebrities, stood up to Harley riders, took a stand against the Japanese to save the whales and Butters became a pimp. Now, the foul-mouthed fourth-graders of “South Park” return for more shenanigans! Kicking off its 14th season, “South Park,” winner of the 2009 Primetime Emmy Award, returns with seven all-new episodes beginning Wednesday, March 17 at 10:00 p.m. ET/PT on COMEDY CENTRAL. The series also reaches a milestone on Wednesday, April 14, by celebrating its 200th episode.

Stay tuned for more info. As usual come back the Saturday before new episode premiers. We’ll get you the latest news straight from South Park Studios and anywhere else.

——-

Available March 16th, 2010
South Park: The Complete Thirteenth Season – Uncensored

DVD | Blu-ray

Disclaimer

If you bought anything through Amazon link above, and I get some kickbacks.

“If you buy these DVD’s, I can buy a Canon Vixia HF S21” to paraphrase the great Robert Schimmel.

16. ThunderHawk (Street Fighter series)
This hulking behemoth has a lot of endurance and loves to utilize aerial maneuvers, and even though he’s not a grappler, he’ll grapple with the ladies when it’s necessary.

15. Needler (Halo series)
Girls should be forewarned that this little guy sprays pink mist. The party won’t last too long though as its clip is rather low.

14. Master Sword (The Legend of Zelda Series)
This legendary blade has been used to slay the evil Ganon and rescue princess Zelda countless times. Now you can rescue your girl by unsheathing your mighty, glowing blade imbued with the power of the Triforce. All other swords, nay, weapons pale in comparison to the awesome power of the Master Sword.

13. Torque Bow (Gears of War series)
Crank this puppy back and have fun. It also comes equipped with an active reload for a quicker charge. Be careful though as headshots can be extremely messy.

12. Nightmare (Soul Calibur series)
This guy is dangerous, strong, and he’s got a long reach – not only that, but he also seeks to devour the souls of all mortal females (Nightmare’s alter-ego Sigfried also works well for a nickname). Check out this guy’s mighty soul edge in action.

11. Dominion Rod (The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess)
This rod can cast spells over women. It has the ability to control them from afar to do your bidding. The downside is that it glows with a distinct yellow aura – on second thought, that sounds like a positive.

10. Squirtle (Pokemon series)
This small guy is an accurate shooter from long distance. It may not be fully evolved, but what it lacks for in size it makes up for with its hard exterior. Don’t ask, skull bash!

9. Slippy (Star Fox series)
Bring extra lotion to this party, cause this guy is annoying and slippery. It may constantly need attention and it may get shot down by the ladies from time to time, but it can  barrel roll with the best of them.

8. Hammer of Dawn (Gears of War series)
With this bad boy at your disposal, you can reign down a pillar of fire that will torch all the ladies with delight. You may need open sky to fully take advantage of its power, but nothing makes the chicks quiver with anticipation with its distinct beeping noise.

7. The G Man (Half Life series)
This creepy nickname it’s perfect for the dark, creepy dude who has nothing better to do than stalk unsuspecting victims around. He’ll lure in the ladies with his penetrating stare, but be forewarned girls, while he may look appealing, his intentions are sinister. Check out the video below if you don’t believe me.

6. Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde (Pac-Man)
Ladies love to gobble these bad boys up. Blinky is great for attracting mates, Pinky is an obvious choice, Inky may arrive prematurely from time to time, and by far the most original name is Clyde. These little guys will chase after their female prey endlessly. The one drawback is they tend to turn blue if they’re not getting any.

5. Tingle (The Legend of Zelda series)
This little guy loves rupees and green leotards. He may not contain the power of the Triforce, but his dancing and singing can attract the attention of any girl. Although this guy may swing both ways, just take a look…

4. BFG (Doom series)
This name can have several variations including but not limited to, BFD – Big Freaking Dong – or BFW – Big Freaking Wang. Whatever version you choose she’ll be in awe of your ability to sleigh a room full of demons and imps with a single pull of the trigger. Check out the video below to check out this beast in action.

3. The Golden Gun (Goldeneye 007)
Back in the days of the N64 this gun was the most prized possession and its easy to see why- it may be small, but its shiny, gold, and pack‘s a hell of a punch! What guy wouldn’t be proud to tote around the gem of all genitals with a name like this? It may have only have one bullet in its clip, but the reload is fast and as most gamers know you only need one bullet anyway.

2. Solid Snake (Metal Gear series)
No innuendo here folks. Do your best Metal Gear impression and surprise you’re loved one with a ‘Solid Snake in a box.’

1. Big Daddy (Bioshock series)
Imagine impressing the ladies with this grand nickname. Tell her you’ll rapture her world with your rivet gun or impale her with your drill. She’ll be moaning almost as much as you.

So what do you fellow gamers think of this list? Feel free to mention any honorable nominees you’d like to see added.

Larceny. Grand theft. Petty theft. Infidelity. Violence. Stalking. Pursuit. Addiction. Fraud.

These are not the dark, gritty contents of today’s Tucson Beach police blotter.

And, no, it’s not the script for tonight’s episode of CSI Bakersfield or Law and Order PMS.

It’s much more sinister than that.

These terms represent the inner workings of a cereal commercial. The carefully orchestrated structure for mayhem that is employed to keep us addicted to carefully crafted recipes containing sugar, flour, canola, fructose, maltodextrin, dextrose, salt, soy, lecithin, guano, trisodium phosphate, BHT, retsyn, diopepthane duodenum, Red Dye Number 51, and artificial flavoring.

Every weekend we witness Barney Rubble as he dons the dark, cloaked clothing of a petty larcenist to sneak into Fred Flinstone’s architecturally-challenged home to pilfer the coveted Cocoa Pebbles. Fred, who inadvertently stumbles onto Barney’s treacherous thievery, angrily pursues a wily Barney only to fail to capture what is rightfully his. Each traumatically-imprinted episodic experience ends with Fred helplessly yelling “Barney!”

After twenty-some odd years of this inveterate thievery, you would think Fred would make the necessary adjustments to maintain his sanity and his property. How about installing an alarm system? How about getting a meth-addicted Rottweiler to guard his property. Or hire a few neighborhood gangsters to make Barney “an offer he can’t refuse”?

Or he could do what most married couples do … send Wilma over to talk to Betty. A few weeks of romantic deprivation might be fuel enough to distract Barney from his larcenistic ways.

Across the airwaves, we witness another dramatic event.

Imagine the troubled, desperate life of the Trix Rabbit, who spends every waking moment falling victim to his addiction. With passing every second, his craving for Trix cereal forces him to forgo gainful employment, miss out on romantic opportunities, and only focus his attention acquiring the bane of his cravings. It is clear that the rabbit has fallen into the slavery of addiction, only to be tormented and ridiculed by the evil little masochistic children who laugh maniacally at the rabbit’s addiction and chant “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.”

Someday the rabbit is going to snap! He is going to march into the studio, A-Team style, and point an M1 carbine into the Trix-wielding audience and demand that his cold, callous, petty little tormentors hand over the Trix treasure to him at once!

An event worthy of CNN’s attention and coverage, I’m sure, no?

Maybe after the event Trix Rabbit could hook with Bambi and seek out the person responsible for his mother’s homicide. No, wait … that would be Felix Salten. We don’t want people to start going after authors, do we?

And then there’s Lucky, the Lucky Charm guy. Every week this poor guy endures constant harassment and stalking. When he runs, his tenacious juvenile pursuers hound him like a pack of ravenous hyenas, chasing him faster and faster until he is forced to seek refuge by hiding, which ultimately ends in his capture and with Lucky yielding the cereal to his captors.

Lucky, you really need to file a restraining order. Or a police report. Or team up with Fred and the two of you can pitch in and hire a security detail.

Upon ingesting a heaping bowl of Frosted Krystal Meths with milk, orange juice, and toast (as “part of this nutritious breakfast”) my mind again wonders about Lucky Charms. If I didn’t know better, I could swear that the whole Lucky Charms ideology is really a sexual metaphor or a sexual pun of some sort.

It must be the chemical reaction of the sugar, flour, canola, fructose, maltodextrin, dextrose, salt, soy, lecithin, guano, trisodium phosphate, BHT, retsyn, diopepthane duodenum, and artificial flavoring interacting in a way to have me experience twisted thoughts.

Yes. That must be it!

Ooh, look. There’s a toy inside!

PS. Did you ever notice how the letters in Alpha Bits look like ransom notes? (Note to self … I need to stop watching crime dramas while writing blog postings.)

Sometimes I start thinking and my mind starts going in a million directions at once: Where do I want to live, work? Do I want to stay in a house? Do I want an apartment? Do I want to be in Houston? Mexico sounds awfully nice.

And I always feel obligated to pick/commit to just one. I’m a flexible person prone to change easily, yet it has been pounded in and embedded in me that I’m supposed to know which exact one path or goal will work for me, not just for now, but for the rest of my life. I’ve never been a very good long term goal setter. Seems every time I made a plan, something drastically changed it.

Companies demand that of us now, though don’t they? “Where do you see yourself five years from now”, they always ask. I always wanted to scream, “I have no idea”!!! Or maybe, “In Tahiti sipping rum drinks”! But, that answer doesn’t seem to be what they are looking for.

We are supposed to gaze into our crystal balls and determine, if I take path A, that will lead to X; if I take path B that will lead to Y, but all it ever leads me to is, “Why do I have to answer that now?”

And do you ever envy people who seem to come out of the womb knowing what they were going to do and stay with it? I’ve met people with last names that seem to tell them what they should do. Like a chef with the last name, Cook; I even know a Psychology teacher with the last name Sykes! I’m afraid that neither my first or last name give me any clues what-so-ever. Last I checked “moon goddess” was not considered an occupation, although…

And my last name means “to hear”. Was I supposed to be an audiologist? Or is it enough that I have been told I’m a good listener? Is listening to music considered a career option? Now there’s a career I could easily manage!

Anyway, I know there are others like me out there, and I sometimes think I was supposed to be born in Asia somewhere since my beliefs tend to lean more eastward. I’m much better at just saying, “I’m here, now, isn’t that enough”? But my entire life I have felt this undercurrent of being considered a loser because I didn’t stick with just one job, decide on a college program and finish it, stay on just one career path.

It’s not that I didn’t try to conform. And early in life I had goals of a career in entertainment. I wasn’t completely outside the realm of possibility; I was definitely groomed for those things and initially pressed in that direction. I held on to those goals right up to the end of high school and then I promptly got married and put a diaper on that career. I don’t regret missing out on all that fortune and fame (and stress); I’m just saying I’m not one to just go straight down the path without veering to the right or left along the way.

So veer I did! Two gorgeous kids, two awful marriages, another long term disastrous relationship, health issues – one by one sending me off in different directions to the point that I was spinning. So, seven months ago I brought it all to a resounding halt!!!

The kids are grown, I’ve got my own place; I even quit my job to stay home, take care of myself and see what was next. In the course of that time even my work from home has taken on several different directions.

So you see; I can make decisions that are right in front of me. Change comes rather easy to me; maybe too easily. But now that I have this open door before me the options sometimes seem rather perilous and daunting. And at 46 I still can’t answer that question, “Where do you see yourself five years from now?”

No answer I can give is based in any type of reality… I see myself retired, gardening daily; having lunch with the girls. Long walks by the ocean; I’m very wealthy and, “oops, gotta’ go, I’m late for my massage”!

Ok, we can call that daydreaming or fantasizing, but I’m afraid it’s certainly not goal setting. But come on, can’t you just admit that it’s what you’d like to say when they ask you that question during your yearly review at the office?

“I see myself golfing until noon and napping until four,” or “I see myself on a beach in Mexico with a towel boy named Juan bringing me a frozen drink in a coconut shell.”

Sigh, while these are all great ideas in my personal opinion, I somehow feel they wouldn’t be appreciated by upper management and none of them seem to really be leading me in any more direction than I started with. On the other hand, I’m afraid it may be the closest I’ll ever get to answering the question, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”