Sometimes I start thinking and my mind starts going in a million directions at once: Where do I want to live, work? Do I want to stay in a house? Do I want an apartment? Do I want to be in Houston? Mexico sounds awfully nice.
And I always feel obligated to pick/commit to just one. I’m a flexible person prone to change easily, yet it has been pounded in and embedded in me that I’m supposed to know which exact one path or goal will work for me, not just for now, but for the rest of my life. I’ve never been a very good long term goal setter. Seems every time I made a plan, something drastically changed it.
Companies demand that of us now, though don’t they? “Where do you see yourself five years from now”, they always ask. I always wanted to scream, “I have no idea”!!! Or maybe, “In Tahiti sipping rum drinks”! But, that answer doesn’t seem to be what they are looking for.
We are supposed to gaze into our crystal balls and determine, if I take path A, that will lead to X; if I take path B that will lead to Y, but all it ever leads me to is, “Why do I have to answer that now?”
And do you ever envy people who seem to come out of the womb knowing what they were going to do and stay with it? I’ve met people with last names that seem to tell them what they should do. Like a chef with the last name, Cook; I even know a Psychology teacher with the last name Sykes! I’m afraid that neither my first or last name give me any clues what-so-ever. Last I checked “moon goddess” was not considered an occupation, although…
And my last name means “to hear”. Was I supposed to be an audiologist? Or is it enough that I have been told I’m a good listener? Is listening to music considered a career option? Now there’s a career I could easily manage!
Anyway, I know there are others like me out there, and I sometimes think I was supposed to be born in Asia somewhere since my beliefs tend to lean more eastward. I’m much better at just saying, “I’m here, now, isn’t that enough”? But my entire life I have felt this undercurrent of being considered a loser because I didn’t stick with just one job, decide on a college program and finish it, stay on just one career path.
It’s not that I didn’t try to conform. And early in life I had goals of a career in entertainment. I wasn’t completely outside the realm of possibility; I was definitely groomed for those things and initially pressed in that direction. I held on to those goals right up to the end of high school and then I promptly got married and put a diaper on that career. I don’t regret missing out on all that fortune and fame (and stress); I’m just saying I’m not one to just go straight down the path without veering to the right or left along the way.
So veer I did! Two gorgeous kids, two awful marriages, another long term disastrous relationship, health issues – one by one sending me off in different directions to the point that I was spinning. So, seven months ago I brought it all to a resounding halt!!!
The kids are grown, I’ve got my own place; I even quit my job to stay home, take care of myself and see what was next. In the course of that time even my work from home has taken on several different directions.
So you see; I can make decisions that are right in front of me. Change comes rather easy to me; maybe too easily. But now that I have this open door before me the options sometimes seem rather perilous and daunting. And at 46 I still can’t answer that question, “Where do you see yourself five years from now?”
No answer I can give is based in any type of reality… I see myself retired, gardening daily; having lunch with the girls. Long walks by the ocean; I’m very wealthy and, “oops, gotta’ go, I’m late for my massage”!
Ok, we can call that daydreaming or fantasizing, but I’m afraid it’s certainly not goal setting. But come on, can’t you just admit that it’s what you’d like to say when they ask you that question during your yearly review at the office?
“I see myself golfing until noon and napping until four,” or “I see myself on a beach in Mexico with a towel boy named Juan bringing me a frozen drink in a coconut shell.”
Sigh, while these are all great ideas in my personal opinion, I somehow feel they wouldn’t be appreciated by upper management and none of them seem to really be leading me in any more direction than I started with. On the other hand, I’m afraid it may be the closest I’ll ever get to answering the question, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”