Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
The road to success is always under construction.