Joke - A Man has Six Children
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
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Joke - The Latin Professor
The Latin professor went into a bar after a hard day at work.
"What'll it be?" asked the bartender.
"A martinus," replied the Latin professor.
The bartender looked at the Latin professor, slightly puzzled.
"Don't you mean martini?"
"If I wanted more than one, I would ask for more than one."
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Joke - Bra Size Chart
Ever wonder why bra sizes are lettered from A to F and beyond? Here is a user definition for those who don't know!
A - Almost boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake!
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Joke - Perfume
Two women get on an elevator. The first woman reeks of perfume and the second says, "What's that perfume?"
The first responds, "Chanel #5, $99.00 a bottle." The elevator stops on the fourth floor and another woman boards reeking of perfume. The second woman sniffs the air and the third woman says, "Paradise $149.00 a bottle."
The elevator stops on the sixth floor and the second woman moves to the front to exit, lifts her skirt and farts. She says as she exits, "Baked Beans - 49 cents a can."
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Joke - Height of Laziness
What is the height of laziness?
Adoption.
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Joke - Supermarket
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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Joke - Truth
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
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Joke - Resume Errors
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct errors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
Marital status: often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
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Joke - American in Mexico
There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"
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Joke - Culture Shock
Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S.
One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.
So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "What part did you get?"
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Joke - Baby Talk
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
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Joke - Eighteen Double Vodkas
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
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A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
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Joke - Viagra Cut into Four
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "That`s no problem. How many do you want?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That`s too small a dose. That won`t get you through sex.
"The gentleman said, "Oh, that`s all right. I`m past eighty years old, and I don`t even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don`t pee on my shoes.
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Joke - You Should Learn to be More Polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
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Joke - Spell L-O-V-E
A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven. God leaves and a man comes floating up and says, ''Please let me in to heaven.''
The other man says, ''I have to give you a test first.''
The man coming into heaven says, ''Oh jeez I'm not too good at tests!''
The other man says, ''Spell LOVE'' The man spells it, and he is let into heaven.
Then a woman comes floating up and says, ''Please let me into heaven,'' and the man replies, ''Only if you pass this test.''
The woman says, ''Oh no, I'm not very good at tests.''
The man says, ''Your test is to spell LOVE.''
She spells it correctly, and is let into heaven.
The next person that comes floating up is the man's wife. She says, ''OK honey, let me in to heaven.''
The man says, ''I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven.''
She says, ''OK, make it an easy one!!!''
Then the man says, ''Spell Hemorrhoid.''
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Joke - Lessons in Corporate Finance
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
"I'll get it," the wife says, quickly wrapping herself up in a towel and running downstairs.
When she opens the door she finds Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $750 to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds of rapt appreciation, Bob hands her $750 and leaves. Confused but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps herself back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she returns to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $750 I lent him last night?"
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A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind.
The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"